The dreaded question...

There are many articles that talk about the lack of support women in this country have when it comes to the decision to work or not to work. On some level, we self-perpetuate the myth that women should be able to have a career and a family. Companies don't have day care onsite, which they should. Companies don't push to offer more time off for a mom and a new baby, which they should. You have to fight to pump your milk someplace other than the bathroom because companies want to ignore that some of the employees will lactate.

I got the question today or perhaps it was a statement on my current life choice, "SO, does this mean you'll finally quit and stay home with the kids?"

Why is it a question only for woman? I have a Masters in Electrical Engineering and a career in semiconductors spanning twelve years. It is assumed that I will give it all up. Why do we as a country not find a way to better support women and families in the work place instead of assuming that half of our workforce should be at home.

Why wasn't the question, "So, will your husband finally quit and stay home with the kids?"

We don't know how to handle professional women. Period. Let's look at the latest CEO of Yahoo. She started the job six months pregnant. Should this be a major issue? At six months pregnant there was no way she was trying to hide it. However, investors panicked. Pregnancy should be viewed as good thing. It shows that this woman is healthy and young with lots of time to invest in the company. And let's be realistic, as a CEO day care costs will not be an issue. It's a little different for those of us lower down in a company, but somehow her pregnancy upset the business world.

As a professional woman, it is hard and it is even harder to connect with other women and feel like part of a community.

Going back to work with a newborn is hard. There is no ifs ands or buts about it. You don't want to leave your baby with someone else, but your do. Not to mention, if you do not have a good day care situation (another story for another day) it goes from hard to horrible. Maybe my job situation will change, there aren't any job options for me in a small town and my boss could tire of my working remote. Until that happens, I will continue to work.

Some quiet time

I am not posting as much as I used to. I'm not sure what changed, I definitely have things to say. I am feeling as if I am talking to myself these days. Perhaps it is working by myself that is doing it. I am spending so much time alone that I don't need to write notes to myself, too. I need to find an outlet that involves real people.

Kindergarteners get the short end of the stick

My little girl is starting kindergarten, however, once again the school district is giving the kindergartners the short end of the stick. The kids will not even start school until September 14th. I wonder what this actually does to help the students, other than watch their siblings go to school and spend more time in day care.

I wonder if this means that like my son's first year of school, my daughter will not meet the state mandated minimum number of days in school.

Let's also point out that the school district ignores the fact that many families have both parents working. I'll assume that was something they concerned themselves with when they decided not to offer bus service in the middle of the day for the kindergartners.

Thanks a lot Ellensburg school district. Way to go on dropping the ball when it comes to your youngest students, once again.

Silence is deafening

I try to put on a smile and explain how great my working situation is, but in reality the silence SUCKS! I think it was tolerable when the kids were here with the nanny a few years back. It was a bubble of happy noise that wafted into the office during the day. Now, there is nothing. If I'm lucky I can hear the creaks and groans of the house on a windy day.

It doesn't help that the group reorganization at the office has split up our team into new groups. The latest move puts me on the silent first floor and the majority of my old group on the third floor. There is now no difference from being here or there, its just a resounding silence.

I'm sure the solitude is mostly to blame, but I find myself seeking out my co-workers in my office just to say hi. I need the human contact, even if it is my manager who would rather talk to anyone than me about the kids.

I'm not a fan of the silence. It makes me question the value of what I'm doing. I used to really enjoy what I do, but I've lost that and I'm blaming that on the silence.

Mom at work

Some days are harder than others to be a working mom. Its hard to not see your kids all day and to realize how your own impact on what they see and learn is lessening every day.

Did the Feminists of my childhood lie to all of us little girls when they said you truly could have it all? I'm not sure if I have it all. I have a fulfilling job and the student loans to show for it. But, am I missing out on something more fulfilling?

Decked out for T-ball

Big N expressed an interest in playing T-ball. Sign-ups were last week, but playing doesn't start for a while. Never the less, Pete wanted to make sure Big N was ready with a mitt. He also wanted to practice with him outside, especially now that it is so unseasonably warm.

During Pete's day off, he took the kids to get a mitt for Big N. Little N wouldn't leave the store without one for her, too. I peaked outside to watch them trying them out since I did work today.

Big N did pretty well with his toss, that is until he got side tracked and threw it up on the roof. He was catching about 50% of the throws to him, which is fine by me.



Fun outside


He caught it!


The face of determination


Yes, it has pink on it.

Surprise! I'm home!

Big N has recently learned how to take the bus from school to the house. I made a trip to the school office, filled out the paperwork and was assured that he would only do this when a note had been sent from home. Pete was not happy with this decision. He was concerned that Big N would somehow manage to get onto the bus to the house without a note and end up at the house when no one is home. I assured him that he would only be able to do this on the days we sent a note to the school.

Unfortunately, I was wrong.

Big N surprised me this afternoon. I had the dogs outside and got a little nervous when I could hear both dogs barking very frantically. Just as the dogs began to calm down, the doorbell rang. Through our front window, I saw a short figure standing at the door on our front porch. I opened the door to find big N wearing a huge toothy grin. He was so proud of himself. He had gotten on the correct bus to his home, gotten off at his stop on the side of a busy highway and walked up the long driveway all by himself. He had made it all the way home on his own. He was very proud of himself.

To be honest, I'm proud of him that he wasn't scared, but it scares me. What would he have done if no one was home? What if the neighbor's overly aggressive dogs were out and came out after him?

He informed me that the teacher told him he was supposed to take this bus. Big N has told us with some authority that his teacher told him he is supposed to go to school on his days off. This leads me to believe he told his teacher that he was supposed to take the bus home. However, I'm more nervous that it could be the alternative, that the teacher sent him on the wrong bus or believed him without a note. Either way, this could put him in an unsafe position if we do not set some better guidelines. Even if he did make it home, he can't turn the lock in the door or open the back gate. He would be all alone on our front porch for some time before either of us got home.

Tomorrow we will drive to school and try to make sure he only takes the bus home when he has a note from us. As much as I love for him to come home and spend the day with me, not only do I need to get some work done, but I need for him to be safe on the days I am not here.

Today he got to watch Charlotte's Web in my office. Tomorrow we will have to make sure he ends up at day care.

Isolation-burg

There is one, solo fact that seems to be omitted from any working-from-home description, you will be in isolation-ville. In my case, here in Ellensburg, it is Isolation-burg.

I am spending my life in silence (since my stereo speakers finally kicked the bucket). It is a deafening silence, without the office clatter of your co-workers or the occasional eruption from my boss in the next cube.

Its hard to connect. Its hard to make isolation-burg a home when all your connections are 2 hours west, over a mountain pass.

There needs to be some balance of personal life vs. work life. But, my personal life is becoming too personal for me.


Our Dahlias

The Grass is always Greener...

They say the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence, but in some cases perhaps what they should say is you just need to invest in a good sprinkler and run through it a few times on a sunny day. In that case, you wouldn't have to look over the fence.


Our front yard

My family fears voicemail

My entire family fears voice mail, and I will admit that does include me.

Instead of leaving a message, we hang up, usually within seconds of hearing a third ring. When I am the recipient of these calls, 9 times out of 10, I tend to just come across the portable phone in time to hear a dial tone.

It doesn't end here. With the dawn of the cell phone, the caller can go through the entire list of phone numbers and dial the next number in under a few seconds.

Perhaps I could beg my family to count to 30 before they dial the next number so I can find whichever phone they have not called before it starts ringing.

Maybe I just need a third and fourth phone. This way I can get all my cardio exercise in on the mad-dash to find the ringing phone under the downstairs couch cushion after I've crashed down the stairs from my office only to hear the cell phone ring upstairs in my purse. Two more phone numbers could really make this exercise exciting.

Apple Blossoms

Our trees are blooming... They are beautiful and a reminder how fast the winter has flown by. The days are getting warmer and longer. We are once again able to enjoy the lingering sunshine on the back porch after dinner.

About two weeks ago, on one such evening, the kids were playing on the slide and I noticed the blossoms. The light had a pink cast to it, warming up everything in view. I immediately ran inside to find my close-up set and my favorite lens (85 mm). I think taking photos was in the back of my mind after talking with Mica when I recently ran into her.

This summer, I promise to not let the months fly by so fast. I need to take more photos. I need to do that for myself as much as for the kids. I am horribly out of practice, making mistakes that I notice on the screen and would have noticed through the lens in the past.

Sad times

Lay-offs stink. I may have been at my desk, but Tuesday felt like the reception after a funeral.

Organized child

I worked from home today, as usual, and the house was very quiet while the kids were out with Nanny E. I seem to have picked up a weird little habit when I make my lunch in the silence of the house, I'll try to race the microwave and empty the dishwasher before my lunch is heated.

I didn't finish today. I was putting a bowl in the cupboard and turned to see this on our fridge. This of course made me laugh.


My son had lined up all the letters by color order into columns of 4. The poor child. He has inherited my anal-retentiveness. My father was telling me how I would want my pancakes cut as a child. He was more accommodating of my weird sense of order than I knew.

It is funny how your own habits appear in your kids. There have been a few instances where the kids will say or do something and I know exactly where they picked it up. They are little windows into yourself at times, your good and bad traits. Even the silly and weird ones.

This isn't the first refrigerator sculpture I have come across. The last one was a pyrimid with less color order and more emphasis on shape. My daughter will rearrange it into its usual mass of letters all over the door at some point, as she has in the past.

Freezing Fog

The view from my window today



They are calling this freezing fog. A term I hadn't heard before today. It's kind of pretty on the trees.

Sick on her birthday

Of all the days to get sick, poor little N woke up from her nap not feeling well. I happened to be downstairs and when I heard her come out of her room and cry, it wasn't her normal, "I'm cranky-tired-hungry-healthy" cry. It was a sad, sick cry and it got me running.

I picked her up and without a word she proceeded to pull in tight and cry. Her little stomach made some awful sounds. I ran her to the bathroom and the inevitable happened, which seemed to upset her as much as it surprised her. We brushed her teeth and rinsed her mouth and I made a call to the boss that the day was done for me.

She's spent the remainder of the day on my lap or Pete's lap on the couch. She perked up a little for a bath and was pretty happy to get into her cozy footed jammies for the night.

Tomorrow is little N's 3rd birthday. Sadly, this means she will be sick on her actual birthday.

I am anticipating she will join us in bed this evening at some point.

Mommy...

My son caught me off guard this afternoon. He came upstairs and asked me point blank, "Mommy, do you want another baby?"

I was a little surprised by the question and wondering where this conversation was going. I tried to reassure him by telling him I was very happy with the two babies I have and I gave him a big hug and let him spin in my desk chair. Always a hit.

We've been talking about babies at our house, Baby N is at our house with her mommy and both of Nate's good friends, B and P are big sisters. He's seen and heard a lot about babies recently.

"But, Mommy, if you had another baby, we could baby-sit for you."

You just give me the hard sell, kid. Can I quote you on this when you are old enough to baby sit? At this point, I played a little dirty and suggested that he talk to his daddy about another baby.

Big N ran downstairs and I could hear him reporting the conversation, "Mommy said I should to talk to daddy about another baby."

Sorry, Pete.

Work Hazard

I have a new work hazard. This is the keyboard attack cat. She doesn't like when I type and prefers sitting on the "esc" key.

This post will have to be shorter then I intended as she randomly nibbles on my hand when I get too close to her belly.

I think she is trying to tell me that she doesn't like hiding from the puppies in my office. Either that, or she thinks it is time to call it a day.

Inherited trait

I feel like my father.

I am running around turning off lights and grumbling about the electrical bill.

This must be an inherited trait. Thanks, Dad.

Moving forward

I've been trying to figure out what I want to do and my answer came in the form of a 2 year old little girl tip-toeing into my office after taking off most of her clothes during her nap. She was proud of herself and I may never find her socks. M was trying to convince Big N to rest and Little N seized the moment to sneak by the door of the playroom.

She came up the stairs so softly that I thought a cat was looking for a back rub. She peaked around the door frame and grinned when I finally noticed her. She hopped up over the last step, thundering across the room to me, crawling into my lap and asking me to cuddle.

There is nothing that compares to spending extra time with my kids and to be able to do so AND to continue working is not something everyone can do.

I am not ready to say good-bye to little interruptions and farm the kids off to a day care. I am really not ready to say good-bye to my job, I like what I do, most of the time.

We are going to find someone else who can come to the house. I just hope the relationship goes even half as well as our current one.

Now what??

Our nanny is exploring another route in her life and we are very happy for her. I can think of nothing I can do to convince her to stay and from previous conversations, I feel she has been thinking about this for more than a few weeks. Anything I can offer or any additional benefits will not make her love a job she isn't really loving.

But, now what? What do we do as a family?

When it came to leaving Seattle, it felt awful taking the kids away from Mari's. They miss her, they bonded well with her, and I see a lot of that love and care in their eyes when they talk about nanny M. I just don't want to break their hearts, again. Both kids had been with Mari 5 days a week since they were very young. My son started at Mari's when he was 13 months old and my daughter started when she was 4 months old. Mari's home was their second home and taking the kids out of that home was hard on the entire family. And now, I feel as if I set it up to happen to them, again.

One of the reasons we decided to hire a nanny instead of sending the kids to a day care was to allow me to see them more often. Not to mention, it was important to me that the kids could learn to bond with an adult outside of their family. I think having someone they trust and care about in their life other than just mom and dad is important. It allows them to feel comfortable with people outside their home and expands their world in a positive way. I didn't want to hire 3 college students that came in on a rotating basis, a new group every quarter. I wanted one person who they could see on a consistent basis and really get to know and care about. We did succeed at that. At the same time, I love having the kids nearby, hearing their giggles and even their cries drift upstairs to my office.

The situation is making me rethink working from home -- if this home office thing is for me. However, this thought process implies a decision that could not have come at a worse time. I'm not ready to give it all up, but I do feel somewhat disenchanted with whomever told the little girls of my childhood we could have it all. It really does not feel like I have it all... unless having it all meant, guilt, lack of sleep and disappointment in what I haven't had time to do.

The last few months have been good, even if I sound uncertain with where we are at this very moment. I'm not disappointed in M, in finding what she wants to do with her life, I'm sad for the kids and scared of the unknown.