Girlie morning

I have never really been a girlie-girl, whatever that means. I don't paint my nails, I forget to maintain my haircuts, I'm more into easy than anything else. But, I do actually own some nail polish and little N noticed it in my cabinet.

Pete and Big N had gone out looking for an open barber shop, which left little N and I to a girlie morning. We had a blast painting her nails. She was very thrilled with the pink color and enjoyed looking at her fingers.

I will say that the fast drying polish is preferable for an almost 3 year old.

Work Hazard

I have a new work hazard. This is the keyboard attack cat. She doesn't like when I type and prefers sitting on the "esc" key.

This post will have to be shorter then I intended as she randomly nibbles on my hand when I get too close to her belly.

I think she is trying to tell me that she doesn't like hiding from the puppies in my office. Either that, or she thinks it is time to call it a day.

Inherited trait

I feel like my father.

I am running around turning off lights and grumbling about the electrical bill.

This must be an inherited trait. Thanks, Dad.

She won't be able to make any noise

We stopped by a nice little toy store about 45 minutes from home. Little N had her heart set on a kazoo. Pete was convinced that she wouldn't be able to make a sound out of it and talked me into buying it.

The little microphone on the camera does not do it justice.

Moving forward

I've been trying to figure out what I want to do and my answer came in the form of a 2 year old little girl tip-toeing into my office after taking off most of her clothes during her nap. She was proud of herself and I may never find her socks. M was trying to convince Big N to rest and Little N seized the moment to sneak by the door of the playroom.

She came up the stairs so softly that I thought a cat was looking for a back rub. She peaked around the door frame and grinned when I finally noticed her. She hopped up over the last step, thundering across the room to me, crawling into my lap and asking me to cuddle.

There is nothing that compares to spending extra time with my kids and to be able to do so AND to continue working is not something everyone can do.

I am not ready to say good-bye to little interruptions and farm the kids off to a day care. I am really not ready to say good-bye to my job, I like what I do, most of the time.

We are going to find someone else who can come to the house. I just hope the relationship goes even half as well as our current one.

Now what??

Our nanny is exploring another route in her life and we are very happy for her. I can think of nothing I can do to convince her to stay and from previous conversations, I feel she has been thinking about this for more than a few weeks. Anything I can offer or any additional benefits will not make her love a job she isn't really loving.

But, now what? What do we do as a family?

When it came to leaving Seattle, it felt awful taking the kids away from Mari's. They miss her, they bonded well with her, and I see a lot of that love and care in their eyes when they talk about nanny M. I just don't want to break their hearts, again. Both kids had been with Mari 5 days a week since they were very young. My son started at Mari's when he was 13 months old and my daughter started when she was 4 months old. Mari's home was their second home and taking the kids out of that home was hard on the entire family. And now, I feel as if I set it up to happen to them, again.

One of the reasons we decided to hire a nanny instead of sending the kids to a day care was to allow me to see them more often. Not to mention, it was important to me that the kids could learn to bond with an adult outside of their family. I think having someone they trust and care about in their life other than just mom and dad is important. It allows them to feel comfortable with people outside their home and expands their world in a positive way. I didn't want to hire 3 college students that came in on a rotating basis, a new group every quarter. I wanted one person who they could see on a consistent basis and really get to know and care about. We did succeed at that. At the same time, I love having the kids nearby, hearing their giggles and even their cries drift upstairs to my office.

The situation is making me rethink working from home -- if this home office thing is for me. However, this thought process implies a decision that could not have come at a worse time. I'm not ready to give it all up, but I do feel somewhat disenchanted with whomever told the little girls of my childhood we could have it all. It really does not feel like I have it all... unless having it all meant, guilt, lack of sleep and disappointment in what I haven't had time to do.

The last few months have been good, even if I sound uncertain with where we are at this very moment. I'm not disappointed in M, in finding what she wants to do with her life, I'm sad for the kids and scared of the unknown.