Our nanny is exploring another route in her life and we are very happy for her. I can think of nothing I can do to convince her to stay and from previous conversations, I feel she has been thinking about this for more than a few weeks. Anything I can offer or any additional benefits will not make her love a job she isn't really loving.
But, now what? What do we do as a family?
When it came to leaving Seattle, it felt awful taking the kids away from Mari's. They miss her, they bonded well with her, and I see a lot of that love and care in their eyes when they talk about nanny M. I just don't want to break their hearts, again. Both kids had been with Mari 5 days a week since they were very young. My son started at Mari's when he was 13 months old and my daughter started when she was 4 months old. Mari's home was their second home and taking the kids out of that home was hard on the entire family. And now, I feel as if I set it up to happen to them, again.
One of the reasons we decided to hire a nanny instead of sending the kids to a day care was to allow me to see them more often. Not to mention, it was important to me that the kids could learn to bond with an adult outside of their family. I think having someone they trust and care about in their life other than just mom and dad is important. It allows them to feel comfortable with people outside their home and expands their world in a positive way. I didn't want to hire 3 college students that came in on a rotating basis, a new group every quarter. I wanted one person who they could see on a consistent basis and really get to know and care about. We did succeed at that. At the same time, I love having the kids nearby, hearing their giggles and even their cries drift upstairs to my office.
The situation is making me rethink working from home -- if this home office thing is for me. However, this thought process implies a decision that could not have come at a worse time. I'm not ready to give it all up, but I do feel somewhat disenchanted with whomever told the little girls of my childhood we could have it all. It really does not feel like I have it all... unless having it all meant, guilt, lack of sleep and disappointment in what I haven't had time to do.
The last few months have been good, even if I sound uncertain with where we are at this very moment. I'm not disappointed in M, in finding what she wants to do with her life, I'm sad for the kids and scared of the unknown.